Memory Lane
by ilexx
Summary: Sometimes good memories can hurt more than bad ones.


S5. Set right after Attempting Screed.

I don't own anything Andromeda.

**Memory Lane**

She just stood there, hardly daring to breathe. Whatever she had expected, it had not been this. He was sitting on the ground, very close to the cliff, his elbows resting on his bent knees, head buried in his hands, the shoulders shaking uncontrollably. There were strange sounds coming from him, that she couldn't identify at first – until she realised that they were dry, hard sobs that literally seemed to rip his throat apart.

She looked out to the scenery unfolding outside the cave-opening set somewhere up in the mountain. There was nothing to see there, just another one of those dry, arid plains Seefra was so full of. They were neither near his former home, nor were there any more funerary chambers to be seen. In fact there was nothing there to be seen at all, no vestiges, no ruins – nothing. And he had seemed pretty relaxed earlier on. Why then this total abandon to despair so uncharacteristic for him? Why now? Why here?

Not that she really cared. He had stolen her ship. Apparently he couldn't simply poof in and out of places, after all – in spite of the impressive stunt he had pulled when stepping out of Flavin's so-called vessel. They had all celebrated afterwards and then, when going home to sleep, she had found the _Maru_ missing. And realised that for quite a while Dylan had been gone, too. She had stormed Flavin's room behind Harper's bar, not for a moment doubting that it was yet another one of the old guy's crazy schemes that had sent Dylan off on her precious ship. And as he hadn't asked her, it was something dangerous.

-

„Flavin!" she barked at him, barging through the door.

„Dear one!" the old man greeted her.

„Can it, Flavin! Where has Dylan taken my ship to?"

„Dylan took your ship?" He sounded genuinely surprised. Beka didn't buy it.

„As if you didn't know! Where did you send him now?"

„I didn't send him anywhere."

„So where is he? And why did he take my ship?"

„I don't know. Maybe it was too far away to get there on foot. If you're so testy about it, why didn't you change the codes, so that all others don't know them?"

„**All** others," Beka hissed furiously, „don't know them. Only **we** do."

„'We'? So there is still a ‚we'?"

She shrugged.

„Yes, we."

„But why?"

„Because we're all alone in this godforsaken place. And none of those morons can get inside the _Maru_ without us letting them. If something happens – on the _Maru_ they... we are all safe," she finished a bit helplessly.

Flavin looked at her with friendly, slightly amused eyes.

„For someone who no longer gives a damn' about them, Captain Valentine, you sure are pretty caring..."

She blushed.

„Yeah, well... Where is he?"

„I really don't know. But try the spots we visited earlier on."

The captain of the _Eureka Maru_ nodded curtly and turned around to leave. But then she hesitated.

„Those places you showed him..." she asked over her shoulder. „What were they?"

„Just his old home. And his family's graves. You know, his mum and dad..." the old man replied calmly. She almost gasped at this. _Just_?

„How did he take it?" she inquired, still not turning around.

„He's Paradine," Flavin told her, as if this answered her question.

She gritted her teeth upon hearing his reply. She turned her head to the side, so that he could see her profile, but didn't face him.

„He is a human being, Flavin. If you cut him, he bleeds. And if you cut him open, he might even bleed to death," she then said in a cold tone and left at a hurried pace, but not before she heard his disdainful snort:

„And this concerns you why?"

It sent her hurling around and storming right back in.

"Listen to me, old man. I have plenty of reasons to hold a grudge against him. Plenty," she added stubbornly. She breathed deeply, trying to control her anger. And then went on in a voice more calm, but also more definitive: "There might no longer be an _Andromeda Ascendant_ worthy of the name. But there is still a _Maru_, of which I'm the captain and they all are her crew. If someone sends Dylan to hell and back, that 'someone' would be me and no other. **Me**! Do you understand?"

-

Harper had found the signal of the _Eureka Maru_. And it had taken her no time at all to get herself on an aircraft piloted by Rhade and rush to the site. He dropped her there, returning once she had informed him that the ship was okay. At first she just kept preparing for take-off, not even thinking about searching the ship, let alone the surroundings for Dylan. But then she stopped right in the middle of the start, powering the engines down again and sighed, biting her lips in anger. Damn' him, she couldn't leave him like that, all alone with no transportation on a desert mountain, somewhere back in those caves. Although he deserved it. Yet she couldn't do it.

She searched the area for quite a long time before finding the right track, and it happened only after she had stumbled over the Vedran burial chambers. There she finally found DNA-traces of him. Her Vedran was not really worth mentioning, but she managed to decipher the name Hunt on several stones inserted in the dark, cold walls. And they all bore Dylan's prints on them, one of them displaying so many as if he had literally tried to become one with the polished plate. But she didn't find him, only the empty chambers and a myriad of corridors leading away from it. And there she got lucky, choosing the right one from the very start. It had led her to this place of... nothingness really. What was he doing here? What in the name of the Vedran Empress could possibly have happened to bring all this grief up?

Still quietly observing from the shadows Beka saw Dylan lift his head and rest it on the hard rock he was leaning against. He was breathing hard, but his face was dry. Still the ripping sounds kept coming from his throat. Shaking his head as if in pain, he suddenly closed his eyes and rolled slightly to the left side and towards the cliff. His right arm came up, the sleeve of his jacket pressing against his face, the hard sobs turning into something like a savage cry of anguish, muffled by the leather. Involuntarily Beka took a few steps back, retreating even more into the shadow of the tunnel, pressing herself flat against the stone walls, averting her eyes. She didn't want to further witness what was clearly not meant to be witnessed by anybody else, wishing she were able to also shut her ears from the dreadful sound of a grown man weeping without tears.

And then all of a sudden everything went silent. The cry stopped like it had been cut off, and Beka breathed in relief. For a brief moment she tried to gain some sort of composure, and then she stepped forward into the cave. Her heart nearly stopped. Dylan was standing on the very edge of the cliff, his jacket and forcelances discharged in a heap behind him, his back stiff as an iron rod, the shoulders square and tense under the thin linnen shirt. One of his hands was set on the wall to his left, whether leaning or pushing Beka could not make out. And didn't give herself time to explore either.

„Dylan!"

She hadn't raised her voice, but to her ears it sounded as loud as shouting. To his ears too, apparently. His head jerked up and he swirled around, retreating – actually almost bumping into the wall on his left.

„Beka! How long have you been here?"

She took a few hasty steps towards him, but then his arm came up, motioning her to stop.

„Don't!" he ordered her, shaking his head and looking everywhere but into her eyes.

She came to a halt instantly, freezing on her spot right in the middle of the small cave.

„I... I just found you..." she lied without even blinking. „Dylan, what are you doing here?"

„Nothing, just... just thinking," he said hesitatingly.

She looked at him, trying in vain to capture his eyes, then nodded.

„Right. It is merely a suggestion," she ventured with caution, „but would you please do this thinking somewhere not so close to that ridge?" She shrugged a bit embarrassed. „I'm very uncomfortable with heights."

He looked at her with an incredulous, tired smile, but didn't move away.

„Beka, you're a pilot," he said sounding a bit annoyed.

„Yes, I know, but that..." _Way to go, girl, Beka, keep him talking! Just keep him talking and listening and... away from that cliff_, she motioned to herself, while her voice recited all the reasons why she could be a pilot and still afraid of heights. It was working, somehow – but not enough to make him walk towards her. Her voice trailed off while she was desperately seeking for solutions. And after a brief moment of silence, she finally saw him looking right into her eyes. His own were utterly empty, void of all emotion, and their gaze was strained, as if he was having trouble to focus on her.

„Beka," he said after a while, „what are you doing here?"

„What am I doing here? Damn'it, you stole my ship!"

The dead eyes flashed up briefly, as if a sharp pain had cut through the frozen pupils. A short, raspy laugh, that didn't sound like laughing, escaped his throat.

„Of course. What was I thinking?" he said with a bitter undertone, shaking his head lightly as if wondering about his own stupidity. „The _Maru_! I'm sorry, she's all right and waiting just outside..."

„I know, I found her," she interrupted him.

Leaning only his hips against the rocks, he bent forward, resting his hands on his knees and turned his head towards the panaroma opening in front of the cave. She waited, but he didn't say anything further.

„Dylan," she tried at last, as gently as she could. „Are you coming? It's getting dark soon, there might be some tunnel-dwellers, goons of..." She stopped noticing that he didn't listen. „Dylan, for the love of God, snap out of it! What are you staring at out there?"

She heard him whisper something, but she didn't get it.

„What? I didn't hear you... Dylan, **what** are you looking at?"

„B'Shana Tarn," he murmured, slightly more audible. But she got it this time. She followed his gaze wide-eyed, then stared back at him in horror. _By the Divine, he lost it! It's happened, he has lost it_! Before he could prevent it, regardless of her previously advertised – and quite real – aversion against heights, she rushed to his side, firmly gripping his right arm, trying in vain to turn him around to look at her.

„Dylan, listen to me!" she urged, shaking him slightly. „Listen to me, Dylan: **there** – **is** – **nothing** – **out** – **there**!" she said, emphasising each word.

„Yes, there is," she heard him hiss at her stubbornly, „Flavin showed me. He said that this is what Paradine is about... That I can choose my time and place... That I can go back... He showed me..." he said tortured, shutting his eyes tightly.

Careful and very slowly she gripped his arm tighter with her right hand, while her left arm moved around him embracing as much as she could of his back. She then began to draw him softly towards her. He moved, he let himself be steered away from the brink, but stopped again after just a couple of steps. She didn't insist for them to continue, but let herself slid down, pulling him with her. They just sat there in silence, looking out at the vast, empty plains, with Beka not letting go for a second of either his arm nor his shoulder. They sat there until both suns of this crazy system went out, and it startled her when Dylan began to speak at last:

„Back there, over the hills to the right..." He stopped, swallowing as if his throat was too tight.

„Yes?" Beka urged gently.

„We used to live there... I was... I was born at home." She had to strain her ears in order to hear him. „Back then everything outside the house was nothing more than just... an ordinary plain. My father though... He was a gardener... a... a landscape architect, actually. He was a real artist. His room... it was all covered with beautiful, beautiful drawings of the most wonderful gardens... He made us kids a paradise out there..."

Beka merely nodded, shooting a furtive glance to his face, that was turned towards the cave's opening, bearing that small, desperate, hurting smile of his, that she'd seen not often, but that had been her last memory of him after she had left Arkology. She didn't interrupt him.

„I... I always knew it, Beka..." he continued slowly, in a childlike voice, „I knew that one day... one day I'll be back... and knew that..." A sob broke through, but was suppressed immediately. „I knew that I would see Tarn Vedra again and that it would all be completely changed. And I prepared myself to walk through extinct cities, where there would be not two stones still holding together. Realising that even if I were to stumble over familiar stones, they would no longer belong to anything familiar..."

Turning his head towards her, but not really looking at her, he repeated forcefully, like a statement of faith:

„I always knew that I will once see it all again, and that I would not recognise anything in it of what I left behind. But..."

Again he turned his head away from her and towards the opening and into the darkness that was engulfing them, slightly lighter outside the cave, with strange constellations blinking through dusty skies.

„Have I ever told you that B'Shana Tarn was originally a sea-port?"

„No, you haven't."

Dylan nodded lightly.

„It was. It had a huge marina. And long, white promenades along the pebbled shores. My grandfather lived in one of the neighbourhoods on the coast. There were... umm, there were only tiny, white houses, bleached by sun, with red flowers in large pots at the windows... And there was a café where my granddad used to sit every morning next to some jasmine bushes, playing backgammon with Ishmael Khalid's granddad, both of them drinking those strong, black, sweet coffees, downing them like water and eating apricots. They were both heavy-worlders and... and when it was not their move, they used to crack the stones and pull out the bitter-sweet seeds for us to eat. Khalid and I went swimming and when we came back we sort of competed at whose granddad had managed to crack more stones open..."

Beka sighed. She didn't know what to tell him. Those were lovely memories of beautiful moments she had never experienced. And for the first time in her life she wondered... Maybe it was better to not have known such days than to have known them only to lose them forever. Dylan's next words confirmed it:

„I realised, of course, that they're all gone..." he went on, his voice almost breaking, „but I somehow expected that I would at least rediscover somewhere the... taste of apricots... or the smell of jasmine... But even the ocean's gone... There's nothing left here, Beka! Nothing! Nothing at all!"

The distress in his voice cut through all the anger, hurt and coldness that she had felt over the past months. She huddled closer to him, as if she hoped that being nearer to him would chase away some of his incredulous despair. Knowing well that it wouldn't. It couldn't. It did not.

„Flavin showed me B'Shana Tarn today," she heard him at long last. „He showed it to me, exactly the way it was." His voice had become even, matter-of-factly, flat. Upon hearing it Beka felt the last remnants of her past coldness melt down in the fire of newly arising rage. Still maintaining contact to him through a hand placed solidly on his shoulder, she moved a bit further away from him.

„Did he now?" she asked, trying to see his expression, but failing in the darkness. Dylan nodded.

„It was all out there. Intact. He said that they too are still out there, my folks, my friends... Sara... He said that I can go there in an instant."

Hidden by the shadows, Beka fought for composure. Was it true? Could he really? And more importantly: would he? She struggled for calmness, pushing back the fury... and the fear threatening to gain the better of her.

„Who would, Dylan?" His head turned towards her, trying to see her face.

„What do you mean?"

„I mean: who can go there? You? Or the young fellow that got trapped on the event-horizon of a black-hole?"

„He was not so young..."

„Ha!" she snorted lowly. „Even today there are times when I feel so much older than you..."

„Like when?"

„Like right now, for instance. You might want to **be** back, Dylan, but do you really want to **go** back? Would you really leave here?"

She didn't say it, but suddenly he heard the real issue permeating through her question. _Would you really leave __**us**__? And if, could you live there, with the memory of us, of what we shared together?_ He closed his eyes in pain, his throat even tighter than before. And shook his head in silence. Beka felt it more than really seeing it in the darkness. She slowly stood up, switching on a small flashlight attached to her sleeve. It provided some light, but it didn't blind them. It did however show him Beka, standing right in front of him, her hand outstretched.

„I didn't think so," she stated dryly, reaching for his hand and helping him to his feet. „Up! The _Maru_ awaits us and the _Andromeda_'s up there. Come on! Let's go home, Dylan."

She shoved him in front of her, slightly pushing against his back with her flat hand.

„One more thing..." she concluded in an uncommitted voice.

„Hmm?" Dylan inquired.

„Next time Flavin suggests a trip down memory lane... Send him to me, will ya'? I will gladly provide him with memories he won't forget too soon."


End file.
